Lies
by Sara Sidle Grissom
Summary: It felt as if somebody else had been controlling me for the last few years, somebody else who had scared her away and had hurt her. GSR Complete.


_Disclaimer: They're not mine.  
Beta: Thanks to **Shortymae**, you rock hun! Du hattest gut gemacht! (was that good German?)  
Spoilers: None that I'm aware of.  
Summary: It felt as if somebody else had been controlling me for the last few years, somebody else who had scared her away and had hurt her._

_A/N: I just found it today on my computer, I forgot I started writing it. But I finished it and asked **Shortymae** for the beta (dankjewel Zeena) I hope you like it... although it's very cliché. I would appreciate some constructive criticism... as long brought nicely.

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**Lies…**

I couldn't believe it was real but when I opened the door to the locker room I couldn't deny it anymore. Sara was leaving the lab, leaving the country and leaving... me. I had had so many dreams about her leaving, but this time it was really happening.

I softly closed the door behind me and walked inside. She didn't look up, she was busily grabbing her personal stuff out of her locker and angrily stuffing it in a box. She cursed when she cut herself on a paper and she slowly put her finger in her mouth to suck the blood off.

It was then when she noticed me standing in the locker room, arms hanging at my sides... my eyes fixated on her. I noticed the tear stains on her cheeks and mentally hit myself for being so harsh, for telling her that I didn't feel anything for her. I didn't know why I had told her that, didn't know anything.

It felt as if somebody else had been controlling me for the last few years, somebody else who had scared her away and had hurt her. It hadn't been me who had told her that 'the lab needed her' and it hadn't been me who had said 'I couldn't do it'. But it had been me who had called her 'honey' and it had been me who had said 'since I met you'. It didn't matter anymore, she had believed in the other 'me'.

I felt the urge to run over to where she was sitting, to wrap her in my arms around her and never let her go. But I knew that she wouldn't appreciate it, I knew she wouldn't want me to comfort her. Why would she want me after all I did to her?

I saw her wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. She looked down at the box that was standing in front of her locker and I heard her let out a deep sigh. I swallowed and took a few steps forward, kneeling down next to the box. Slowly I pulled a pair of extra shoes from the bottom of her locker and put them in the box. I noticed the way she was looking at me; she probably didn't want me to help her.

"Grissom..."

I looked up at her; her hands were on the bench, tightly gripping the cold steel. I saw her white knuckles and noticed she was trying to stop shaking. I swallowed and saw how she bit her bottom lip. I hated myself for what I'd done; I hated myself for the fact that I rejected her. But mostly I hated myself for the fact that I was willing to let her go, willing to let her leave me.

"Sara, please listen to me." I felt the sudden urge to let everything out; to tell her everything that I'd had wanted to tell her all this years. I didn't know if she would listen to me... I just needed to let it all out.

"No Grissom. I've made my decision, I'm leaving Vegas. Please don't try to stop me." She started to cry at that moment and before I knew what I was doing I rushed forward and pulled her in my arms. I wrapped my arms securely around her and pulled her against my chest. I felt she was resisting and she struggled herself out of my grip.

"Please don't do that… stay away from me. You've been clear."

I felt my own tears burn as I continued to stare at her with my mouth agape. Maybe I've been clear in her eyes, but not in the way that I wanted. I told her I didn't feel anything for her, it was easier to do than telling her the truth. But right now at this moment I would have wanted to tell her the truth.

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_She comes to my office like she always does at the end of the shift. Sometimes we talk some more about the case and sometimes she just leaves after she said goodbye. But today felt different, she came in with a sad expression and sat down on the couch, instead of on the chair like she usually did. _

_I slowly left my chair and seated myself next to her. Before I could ask what was wrong she started to cry and leaned her body against me. I wrapped my arm around her and whispered soothing words. But it didn't help, she kept on crying and I didn't know what to do. _

"_What's wrong honey?" _

_She moved away from me a little and looked me in my eyes. "I can't do it anymore…" _

"_Do what?" I was worried, what was she talking about. Was she talking about life? Maybe she couldn't live anymore, maybe she was tired of life. The worst scenarios flew through my head as I continued to watch her. Her eyes looked sad, nothing like they used to._

"_You… me… us…" She whispered the last word, as if she was doubting there was an us. Of course there wasn't, but that was not because I didn't want there to be, I just didn't know how to do it. _

"_Sara…" I let out a sigh. I needed to comfort her, I needed to tell her that it will all be okay but I didn't know how. _

_Then all of a sudden she asked me: "Do you feel anything for me?" _

_I knew what I should say, I knew what I wanted to say. But I couldn't do it, I couldn't tell her that I loved her more than anything else in this entire world. Somehow the tongue was stuck in my mouth and there wasn't any sound forming in my throat. _

"_No." There it was, the most stupid answer I could give her, given in the coldest way it could be. I mentally hit myself for doing it again, for rejecting her. I knew this was going to be the last time I had a change to tell her what I felt, and I blew it. _

If I had changed it there and then I still would have been in time. But I could only stare at her as she stood up and silently left the room.

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And now I was here, in the locker room, staring right into her eyes. They were filled with pure anger, and I understood why. But if she would only give me another chance… Regardless, she didn't.

I took a few steps forward, there was a way that I could show her I had given her the wrong answer. I was sure it wouldn't be appreciated, but it was the only thing I could think of at that moment.

I grabbed her wrists and pinned her against the wall, she struggled to free herself from my arms, but I wouldn't let her. I wouldn't allow her to leave now, like I would have a few minutes ago.

"Let me go."

I responded with a small shake of my head. "Not before I tell you exactly what I want to tell you."

She gave up fairly easy and I slowly loosened my grip on her wrists. There would probably be bruises all over them soon, and for a short moment I wondered if she would get any reactions on that. But then I noticed that she wasn't moving, she was still standing there and looking at me expectantly.

"Sara… this sounds strange, that's something I can promise you. But I lied to you earlier, when I said I didn't feel anything for you. The worst is that I can't explain why I did it, only that in my head I wasn't intending on saying it. I'm afraid there's not scientific explanation of my brain, but I can assure you that it works strangely. In some situations, like that one, I say exactly the opposite from what I want to say."

I noticed how she was turning away and I stopped her… Her head flew back in my direction and without any conscious thought I kissed her. At first she stood there, numb. Then she slowly wrapped her arms around me and kissed me back.

**The End

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